it’s crying in the dining room, thinking, you should do the dishes because it would be embarrassing if you killed yourself and you had dirty dishes in the sink. it’s ignoring that thought, because you don't want to encourage bad thought patterns, and then saying, fuck it. now you have clean dishes.
Kyla Jamieson:
September
the month
I think I'll
be better
passes
I pick a new
month
it passes
then another
everything
passes me by
at least I'll
get better
at least
I'll get better
I'll get
I'm getting
am I getting
will I
you are taking your probiotics (2), you are taking your supplements (5), you are taking your vitamins (2), you are eating sugar free, gluten free, everything free, you've lost ten percent of your body weight. you have never felt so insecure in your life. what the fuck is wrong with you why are you so broken? what did you do wrong to deserve this?
you can't do what you usually do when you feel bad. you're too weak to go to dance class. you can't write sweet words and package it into something palatable, you wouldn't be able to stomach it anyway. you don't leave the house.
you don't get checked up on by people you thought were your close friends, but friends you met this year offer their help. is that surprising? maybe this is something you already felt about your relationships that you ignored.
it's a constant, and that's what breaks you.
but
Ava: It's just like you to believe that good behavior will always be rewarded. It's just like you to believe that meaning is something that can be earned.
so you are taking your probiotics (2), you are taking your supplements (5), you are taking your vitamins (2), you are eating sugar free, gluten free, everything free, but slowly adding in other foods, you are not looking at a fucking scale for another year that's for sure.
Z brings you cassava flour chips and makes you food you can eat, but it tastes better because he made it, he cooks a hundred times better than you, cares more than you. when Chipotle forgets to give you vegetables and you cry in the car he immediately goes back and gets them for you. he tells you that you didn’t do anything wrong and you almost believe it.
his faith is more constant than yours.
tonight you're going to a dance class. you are finally writing about this. you will probably never write more deeply about this in first person, but this is good enough. you hope you will never have to write about this again. you've said that everything you write is a love letter. so this is a love letter to your body, to Z, and to yourself.
at least I'll / get better / at least / I'll get better