Hello besties, I’ve been feeling pretty down lately, but feel better now :) I was kind of caught in this weird limbo of who I could’ve been, who I could be, and who I am right now. It always sucks to get caught into that trap of who I could’ve been, because she truly is a version of me that will never exist—yet I bring her alive every so often just so some part of her can have redemption.
When I think about the girl I could be, I become overwhelmed with the possibility. I feel blessed that I do feel confident that I can achieve whatever I want, but sometimes I still feel stuck to who I could’ve been, and wish to honour her above all else, trying to have her inform the decisions I make (which isn’t the best strategy). I also worry a lot about whether a certain path will make me happy in the long run.
I think I have to let go more, which is probably obvious to everyone reading this. Just let things happen. Stop trying to force my entire life into vision boards on Pinterest lol. I know I just have to focus on things that make me happy, and trust that my life will build around that, but I always worry—what if I’m focusing on the wrong things?
S sent me a text the other day:
with a page from Brianna Wiest in Ceremony:
What if there is a path for you that is greater than what you can envision? What if there is a life for you that is more than you would even know to ask for? What if you are inherently and unknowingly limited by your old perspectives, your outdated ideas of what is possible? What if all the discomfort within your being is simply trying to redirect you to a place beyond anything you’ve considered before? What if there is more than you know? What if there are things out there so good, you don’t even know you’re waiting for them?
We have a whole life ahead of us that is filled with golden days that we cannot even dream of. When I first moved to San Francisco I thought I fucked up my entire life, that I was doomed to be miserable forever, and sometimes I still wonder what it would have been like if I had stayed in Toronto. But I have experienced so much love here that I never could have imagined, felt the golden California sunshine, learned about who I am, too.
There’s no rush. As uncomfortable as it is in this moment, this feeling of not knowing my entire life is what will make it so beautiful. There’s no right or wrong when I follow my heart. Justin Bieber: This life is crazy, but it led me to your love…We’ll be diamond when our golden days are done.
Slow down you're doing fine / You can't be everything you want to be before your time / Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
Too bad, but it's the life you lead / You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need / Though you can see when you're wrong / You know you can't always see when you're right
(why am i literally on pinterest when im editing this tho)