everything’s changed but nothing has
you know i'll always be your girl
it's been three years, and i can still see that version of me in new york. she doesn't feel far, though i feel like i've grown far from who i was. somehow, the person i wanted to be, the person i was striving towards, is the same at the core. she is the same in every timeline, every possibility. my life that i created for myself may look different, but i'll always be the same girl.
that's how it is, isn't it? the seasons change, but it's spring again, and here i am in the same place, who i've always been. a pink tulip in your garden, striving towards the sun, perpetually yearning for something outside of me, something light.
as much as i grow, my roots remain. i used to think that i was flighty—my emotions change so easily, almost unbelievably instantly—but all of those emotions become me, and together they are a constant. i'm still learning how to be seen through different climates, learning infractions are also part of me, even if i can’t stand them, dig at them. i’m still learning to forgive myself.
oscar wilde, de profundis:
i took a contemporary class and my teacher told me, i can tell you have technique. let it go—dancers train and train and then can't let it go. i want you to fall and then use your technique to pull yourself back up again.
dancers know their own body. when you know the choreography, and it feels good, do something different. challenge yourself to do something you've never done before. make it bigger, make yourself smaller. who you are doesn't change.
different environments give me permission (constraints?) to be perceived inconsistently so i don’t feel i have to sacrifice any facet of myself. but you meet me at every terrain. bruised knees, red palms, you know how i’ll bloom even in the winter. a boreal forest, a garden beside a townhouse, a curated arrangement sitting on an apartment counter. i don’t care, it’s all the same, i’m always the same. i just want to build a life that you’d be proud of.
however i’m perceived, i’m always just your girl.
journal entry from october 2022:
it almost feels like i’m in the same position i was back in january, but just slightly different.
almost frustrating and very strange because i feel like i was destroyed and built back up within these past few months, just to be a slightly different version of myself.
it is very sunny today, and i feel like the girl from san francisco, and it feels nice.
